Gay Seeks Gay
When I began identifying as a lesbian at age 15, the term meant something more political to me than it characterized an aspect of my being. Seeking insight into my budding sexual recognition, I surrounded myself with the most obvious looking gay women and narrowed my close friend group to other young lesbians. As my understanding of gender and sexuality expands so do the identities of people within my social circles.
I spent two years in the Bay Area, California- Mecca of sexual and gender affirmations- learning present day language used to describe people, their bodies, and their identifications regarding and regardless of their bodies. I dressed in drag regularly and met folks who were not judgemental about my variant gender and sexual expressions. I know people in polyamorous partnerships, transgendered-cis-gendered pairings and trans pairings, and I've crushed on a few of thee most beautiful non-(gender/sexual/age/race) conformists ever. I’m grateful to the people who shared their stories with me and privileged that I can agree when my gender is assumed. Many trans people must be vocal about reforming how we assume and receive identity.
I use feminine gender pronouns to describe myself because I affirm womanhood as a status (like royalty) not as a role. Femininity is a creative force of nature directed by thought, symbols, and visioning, or simply witchcraft. To spark a new idea or direct energy toward an established goal is to transfer feminine energy through masculinity into the womb-manifestation of deep desires. We begin to desire as soon as we come into the womb and throughout life we must find ways to channel that creative energy.
Growth toward balancing my gender expressions motivated me in life. After years of complacency and doubt, I decided on a life path for my work. The fears about what my family thinks of me began to dissolve. I had been reluctant to decide what to do with my love of music and whether I could be with a special kind of man or if it had to be a particular type of woman. There's not one word in the English language that names the exact gender of the person I want to be with, so I composed a non-gender-descriptive love song called "Move Me" that describes the feeling I want to have as I fall in love. Then I met my partner who uses gender neutral pronouns like they/them/theirs and makes me feel just like the song's lyrics. There is great power and pleasure in balancing feminine and masculine energies. Suppression of one’s genders starves the spirit and is a danger to humanity.
Tattiana Aqeel-de Oliveira is a witch-healer musician from DC. As she continues to explore gender fluidity and gay attraction, follow her findings here at Witches Brew Magazine
Tattiana Aqeel-de Oliveira
Currently I am seeking a term to identify that my gender is gay. For instance, I’ve been most attracted to men when I felt male in my body, and I prefer feminine intelligence because I’ve taken a life stance as a divine woman. The word queer is close but it’s vague. Homophily aptly describes love and attraction to sameness. Technically I’m bisexual because I like having sex with female and male bodies and I experience sex through both energies. Two-Spirit and Gatekeeper are terms that I’ve explored, and the latter takes on an esoteric meaning that is identifiable in gayness. Gayness is magic that sparkles in the eye with wildness and loneliness. Like art, it pushes human evolution toward something more godly and stylish than before. Ancient witches and earth people must have had a term for people like us. A term that means gay on both sides.
Tattiana Aqeel-de Oliveira,
Healer, musician, witch