Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was stealing fruit from a store.
The sliding glass doors of the store were cracked open. From the outside, I stuck my hand in and grabbed all of the fruit I could.
I was a kleptomaniac for much of my childhood and adolescence. I loved to steal and I was pretty good at it. I would devise new, clever ways to steal things, most of which I didn't need and would never use.
The same day as the dream, I asked my sister for some of her food. She flat out told me “no." "You don’t know how to just take a bite. You're greedy."
When I laughingly told this to my husband he said,
"That's so true. Not just with food. It's like you need to consume everything without need or reason..."
Gluttony has taken many forms throughout my life, one of which is through sex.
When I reflect on my past sexual experiences and my relationship to sex, the succubus archetype comes to mind.
A succubus can loosely be defined as a demon/ low vibrational or supernatural entity in the form of a woman who steals the life force of others through sexual activity.
I see how I have used seduction and sex to obtain energy from others because I didn't know how to connect with my own life force.
The amount of energy that a being is able to allow to flow in and through their bodies has a direct correlation to that being’s health, wellbeing, and vitality. Sex became the only tool I knew how to use to allow my energy to flow. As the only avenue that I felt safe in to be fully open and receptive, I needed to have A LOT of sex. What has also come to consciousness is that I sought out people for sexual exchanges who had energy that I wanted to access or obtain for myself.
I have come to understand that this is a dominant motivator or intention for sexual predators, to obtain someone else’s energy, an energy that they themselves feel they do not have access to.
I believe that most people, in some way or another, act as energetic vampires through the acts of seduction and sexual activity. It has become normalized and even encouraged in many spaces.
What I am now being shown is that being an energetic vampire/succubus was a quick and unsustainable fix that made me dependent on others for sustenance.
I robbed myself of knowing and utilizing my own power.
There is an energetic shift occurring for me. My dream gave me an opportunity to see myself so that I could make the decision to release the baggage and programming of my sexual trauma and fully step into my power as a Creator.
I no longer need or desire to steal the energy or life force from others. I have my own connection to Source that I am learning to access in a multitude of ways. I am open to Spirit. I allow the energy of Source, that eternal supply of life force energy, to run through me. I claim my own vitality and abundance. I claim my power.
Moving forward, when I do connect with others for sexual pleasure, it will be from a place of wholeness. We will be whole beings coming together to share our energy and ecstasy with one another.
** Writing this piece was part of my cleansing ritual. I wrote parts I and II while I ran water for my spiritual bath (prompting the energy of this story/program to release). I then did visualizations, prayed, and submerged myself in the water.**
Last night I dreamt that I was with my father. It was a joyful dream, one of reconciliation. We were happy spending time together. I brought a backpack to his house that I had once taken from him. I remembered that I had his bag and I knew that it was time to give it back to him.
“Oh! I have your bag.”
I took it off, took my belongings out, and I gave it back to him.
And then I left.
I release the baggage
of my father,
of the patriarchy,
of all those who have abused or violated me in its name
It was never mine to carry.
Jamila Kani is a witch of many trades. Through her collective, Black Femme Witches Brew, she co-creates spaces for black femmes to reclaim their magic and step into their power as Creators. In addition to her work with Witches Brew, Jamila is an Oracle, Ritual Practitioner, and Life and Spiritual Coach.
Find her on Instagram and Facebook @blackfemmewitchesbrew